Another Father's Day

Dear Son,

It is amazing how different days can have different meanings depending on ones experience. Today is a great example of that. I used to really love father's day. Even if I didn't always get to spend it with you, just the idea of being able to play that role in your life was so great to me. Now, this day is hard for me. Father's day and your birthday are the two days that really get to me. I mean I miss you everyday. But I always have the gratitude of having had you in my life for the wonderful time that I did. On these days however, I memories are not enough to sustain me. I miss you and want nothing more than to hug you and tell you how much I love you, how much you changed me, and that I will always be a better person because of you.

I love and miss you Zack. My Buddha, my son. I will always feel that way. No matter what you may be told as you grow into a man. Know that much.

Much Love

hey buddy

Dear Son,

I just wanted to take a minute to let you know that I think of you everyday. That you are always in my thoughts and if ever you need me I am here. I know that in your short life you have seen much. You have seen things that someone your age just shouldn't have to deal with. I hope somehow that all these experiences will help to serve you in your life.

Life is sometimes very hard my son, and people seem to have a secret desire to make it even harder. To this I can only say that we always have two choices in our life. We can choose either liberation or suffering and every situation gives us that opportunity to choose. So even in the hardest of times we can find some liberation from it.

If we continue to do that little by little we become free. Others ability to harm us becomes less and our ability to help others becomes more. To each life is given this chance for greatness. So my little buddha choose well.

I Love You

Caleb

Family

Dear Son,

Sorry its been awhile since I wrote, I was in Florida visiting your Grandma Marie and Grandpa Ron. They miss you very much as do I. You would like your Uncle Craig's winter home there. Its not as big as his other place, but its has lots of horses and its very pretty. I could see you wondering around a lot taking in all the sites.

I think I miss you the most when I go on trips. I always see things that I think you would love. I think of the great adventures we would be having and all the things I would be seeing through your eyes.

I don't have anything really deep to share this time, only that I miss you a lot. I think about you everyday. Don't ever believe for a second that I wanted things to be like this. I fought for you and would do it again. I never wanted you to be away from any of us. Not me, your mom or your Grandma or Nan. I think you need everyone you love.

Good Night Son.

Caleb Storms

Twins that Blind

Dear Son,

I have learned a lot by watching people. In fact I would go so far as to say, I have learned most of what I know about the human condition by watching people. One of the things I noticed is how blinding both love and hate are. People ruin their lives and the lives of other for both.

We are told most of our lives that hate is bad and love is good. The truth however is that they are for the most part both the same. They blind us and keep us from seeing the truth in any given situation. If we hate something we can see no good in it and feel no compassion toward it. If we love something we have trouble seeing any bad in it and put our own lives on hold for it.

I don't want you to think I'm telling you not to love anyone. What I am saying is that love, just like hate can blind you. You must be careful not to put your own well being in the hands of anything outside yourself. I feel strongly that compassion is what gives us our site back after being blinded by one of these two.

If we love someone, and that someone leaves, we feel pain and suffering. If we have compassion for someone and that someone leaves, we still have our compassion and it is easily applied to all other beings. As for hate, it can not breath the same air as compassion. So you see son, build compassion toward those things that you both love and hate and you will gain your site back. You will be more stable in your happiness and will enrich all the lives that you touch.

You have been my great teacher in this. You helped me find compassion and gain my site back. You allowed me to see both the love and hate within me and how they blinded me. My compassion for you eventually saved me from myself.

Good night son.

Caleb Storms

My Boo

Dear Son,

I'm not sure if you will remember this, but i've always called you Boo. I called you this for a couple of reasons. It started when you were just a baby and we would play a kind of peek-a-boo, and you would get so excited and yell Boooo. It was very cute, then later, you were my little Buddha and so it became short for Buddha.

Now would be a good time to explain why I called you Buddha. For a while I think you actually thought your name was Buddha, because when you would see a statue of Buddha you would say, its a Buddha like me. That was also very cute.

I started to call you Buddha mainly because you truly brought out the Buddha nature in me. So you were my own personal Buddha. It is through you that I learned to feel again, to have compassion, patients and true understanding. You gave me a reason to overcome anger and reach for enlightenment. You saved me from myself just by you being there.

So you were and still are my Buddha. My enlightened mind.

This brings me to my next point. I was always very confused about the story of Sidhartha, the one we call Buddha. In the story he was born a prince and was sheltered from all forms of suffering. Then as an adult he ventured out of the palace gates and encountered suffering for the first time. When he returned he asked his father about what he had seen. His father told him that all creatures will age, get sick and eventually die. This upset Sidhartha a great deal, he asked if that would happen to him and his wife. His father answered yes. Later Sidhartha discovered that his wife was going to have a baby and they had a son. It was then that Sidhartha left to seek enlightenment to overcome suffering.

That part of the story always bothered me. I couldn't imagine leaving you for the sake of enlightenment, when you were in many ways my connection to it. Then however when I was taken out of your life it all made sense to me. I realized that Sidhartha had an awakening. He realized that he had nothing to give his son, he had no answer to the suffering that his son would eventually face. I believe that was his motivation. Much like you have been my motivation. So I tried to do what he did, I have sought enlightenment.

My hope is that one day when you find me, or I find you, I will have something to give you. I will be able to shed some light on the suffering here on earth and have some truth that will help you get through it.

These letters are part of that. I'm sure if Sidhartha would have had a blog, he would have done the same for his son.

I love you Buddha

Caleb Storms

Don't Go Changing

Dear Son,

I just got back from my class and we were talking about how to deal with such a negative world. It turned into a very good talk about the world in general. Buddha taught that all life is temporary and so being attached to it leads to suffering. I would say there is a lot of truth in that. So the key is not to change the world, because the world is pretty good at changing on its own. Is is actually the changing that causes suffering. The idea is to change our self and learn to flow with the changing nature of the world.

You see son, its the grasping at things that gets us into trouble. When we have a grasping mind then we are filled with the hope of things to come and the fear of loosing what we have. So we are in a projection never getting to experience the moment totally. It is very hard to stay out of hope and fear, but in those moments we can experience true joy.

I even had to let go of you when the time came. Just one more reminder that all life changes. If I was to hold on to hope and fear I wouldn't be writing these letters. I would be either consumed by either anger or grief. I have moments of both, but overall all I feel peace, knowing that as things have changed they shall change again, so I should enjoy the ride.

I hope that you will do the same my son. I love you and that is the only thing in this world that will not change.

Good night son.

Caleb Storms

truth will set you free

Dear Son,

I know I talk a lot about self honesty. I tend to harp on that a lot. Honesty in general I feel is very important. Lies run away on you. One lie leads to another, then another and so on. It is so much easier to be honest and deal with the result. Its not always easiest at the moment, but in the long run it is much easier. Self honesty is harder, but the value of it is more than I could ever put into words. We all want to avoid painful feelings such as shame and guilt, so sometimes we delude our self or avoid things that cause us to feel this way. But it is so important to be honest with yourself. To take an honest look at your thoughts and actions. If you find yourself thinking and acting in a way that causes suffering, then it is much easier to change these things if you pay attention to them. Awareness is the key, it has great power, and that power can only be gained by honest self reflection. Not judgement, but reflection. I do not believe in right or wrong really, I do believe in suffering and liberation. Behavior that causes suffering is just that, actions that cause us or others pain. Self honesty can help us to turn those things into liberation, or acts that free us from suffering.

I am not going to say that because I am self aware I do not suffer. I can say however that I have a pretty good idea of what is at the root of my suffering and I work everyday to become more and more liberated.

I feel very strongly that action follow thought. So if you want to be an honest person it makes sense that you begin being honest with yourself. Thoughts that are honest lead to actions that are honest. You helped me with that so much, it was so very important to me not to ever lie to you. I tried very hard to always tell you the truth, even if it wasn't pleasant. I felt you deserved that and felt a certain responsibility to teach you honesty. I hope that I was true to my word.

It may seem like you may need to lie to fit in, or appease those around you at times. In those times it is so very important to hold on to your self honesty, to hold it strongly in your heart. I can not stress enough how damaging it is to let someone else's lie become your truth. So as you grow and nod your head in agreement, on the inside ask yourself if this is true for you? Is this true at all? Don't concern yourself with their honesty, only with your own. If nothing else it is far easier to keep your story straight if its the truth, much easier than remembering who you told what lie to.

I love you son

Caleb Storms

To Much Angry

Dear Son,

Many years ago, mainly due to you I wanted to let go of all of the anger that had built up in me. The rage that I had carried for years. I didn't want you to inherit that anger, I wanted you to instead to be filled with peace and not hate.

That was when I really started to take all the things that Buddha taught a little more seriously. I started to develop compassion, or at least try. It was easy with you there, all I had to do was look at my little Buddha and my heart was full of compassion. Slowly over time my anger faded and compassion took its place.

With you not here it was much harder for me to stay in a state of compassion. Thats when the work really began. Not to mention the anger I felt toward those that took you away from me. Then I listened to a wise man, I went and seen the Dalai Lama speak and it was like he was speaking to me. He said "The most important thing a parent can do is teach their children compassion". I cried for days after that. It was very profound to me and led me to believe I was looking at everything in the wrong way. I lost my rage and just decided to love you and try to have compassion for you and those that took you away. The way I did this was first think of you, my wonderful son and then put others in your place and slowly over time I could actually feel the same compassion for them. It helped me to see their suffering and have compassion for them. My anger faded and my heart was filled with great joy.

Once again you were my little Buddha, even with you not in my life you were teaching me to love. So son, if you find your heart filled with anger, think of something or someone that you love. The heart can not hold compassion and anger at the same time.

I love you and miss you.

Good night son.

Caleb Storms

my love

Its been a long day son, I will write more tomorrow. Tonight I just wanted to say I love you and miss you.

Good Night son.

Caleb Storms

Hero and Monster

Dear Son,

I've been watching my crazy old Godzilla movies that you never liked. Its funny how Godzilla has changed over the years and in some he is a good lizard and in others a bad lizard. That describes human nature a great deal. History makes a hero or monster of us all.

All I can say about all of this is that everyone has a dark side. Most people really try to hide it from others and from themselves. I think that always leads to trouble. I would much rather have a monster in front of me instead of hiding in my closet plotting against me. Again going back to self honesty. It is so important son, to be honest with yourself about yourself. To learn to look at all of your nature and not just the parts that make you feel good. All of who you are serves a purpose.

If however we try to hide from what we are, then it builds up inside and almost always comes out in a warped and self destructive way. So it is much better to make friends with all of yourself and find a way to incorporate even those aspects of yourself that you don't like into your life. After all someone that lies is a great lawyer or good in politics. Its all a matter of finding out who you are, then finding the most useful way of utilizing all of who you are without hurting yourself or anyone else.

On my end, I will love you regardless of what you grow up to be. Thats another important part of this, to love all of someone. If you learn to love yourself with all of your light and darkness, you learn to do the same for others. You love all of them, not just the parts that are pleasant. The kind of loyalty and friendships that I have built on this concept are beyond compare. I can see them for who they are and have great compassion for their journey through the human condition without being caught in judgement. Not having to concern myself with if they are good or bad, right or wrong, just that they are a human with many sides and my friend.

You my son, because you are my son, I will always love you and wish the absolute best for you. I have used this compassion many times to help shape my view of the world. I try to see the world as I see you. I try to see it with eyes of compassion and hope for a bright future. It has made my world much more livable in troubled times. Know this, that no matter what, wherever either of us are, I love you and am here for you.

Good night son

Caleb Storms

Keeping a Promise

Dear Son,

I have been thinking a lot about why I'm doing this and what it may do to me. I feel that it is very important that I try to fulfill the promise I made to you. I told you more than once that I would always be there for you. Unfortunately, because of circumstance I can't be there physically. So in order to make good on this promise I'm doing this.

Oaths and promises are important son. Its trust that builds relationships, without trust there can be no relationship. I never meant to break that promise to you, in fact I did all that I could to fulfill it. This is the best I can do for now.

This is one of the biggest lessons that I think one can have in life. The weight of a promise. You see son, I have very little regrets in my life, but the ones I do have, are the times I could not make good on a promise. So the trick is to only promise when you mean it. This adds weight and conviction to a promise and makes you a trustworthy person. If for some reason you can't make good on a promise it is important not to make excuses. Excuses lead down a slippery slope. It takes away from ones personal responsibility, without personal responsibility there is no honor. So when you mess up, and you will mess up, don't make an excuse, just learn from it and become a better person. It sounds simple, but its not. Self honesty is by far one of the hardest things to foster. It is however one of the most rewarding.

One of the most important things to learn is to expect little from others, yet treat them as you would like to be treated. This fosters an attitude of compassion instead of resentment. People learn through example and if you live a life as an example of compassion and self honesty than not only will you be a happier person, some of those around you may catch on. Again little by little you can change the world.

If nothing else replace the words I promise with I will try, until you build a trend of the trying becoming the doing. Then say I promise when you are confident that you can fulfill it.

I grew up with a father that promised a lot and broke my heart over and over again. I never wanted to do that to you. I saw how easily your mother would make and break promises and it always upset me. I know she didn't do this to hurt you, I just don't think she had the lessons that I had from my father about what that does to a person. Its important to be able to trust someone. If you take this to heart, you will be that someone to many people.

Good night son.

Caleb Storms

Good Night

Dear Son,

I just got home from my class, the same class that you used to tag along with me to. The ladies would spoil you and you would usually end up asleep in my lap. I told them about this blog and they all seemed to think it was a good idea. After all they all know you and miss you as well. Because of you they got to see the human side of me. They saw me cry over you and fight for you, then they saw me try to cope with out you in my life. They witnessed the pain turn to understanding then eventually into an even greater awareness of my universe and my place within it.

I'm telling you all this because I think its important to know how much one life can impact all others. All of them, every single one of them was influenced by you. Your smile your natural Buddha like nature, your youth. They were also inspired by our life together as well as our life apart. This shows that one life, no matter how unimportant it may seem, has a lasting impact on all that it touches. It is up to us to decide what that impact will be. We can either cause great pain or foster great compassion. Most people sit somewhere in the middle thinking nothing of it. Leaving their memory in the hands of what fate has throne them. The truly great people of our time are remembered for the conscious choice to cause harm or compassion.

I decided long ago to try to live a life of compassion and try to heal as much suffering as I could. This is by no means an easy thing. I feel that if I make it through the rest of my life causing more help than harm than I have done a great job. It has made me a much more peaceful person just trying.

Just remember son, that suffering causes suffering. People hurt one another out of there own need to avoid their own suffering. So if someone hurts you, try to look at the suffering that is at the heart of it. Avoid the instinct to lash back and in this way little by little, Buddha by Buddha we will begin to chip away at the huge mountain that is the human tragedy. When suffering yourself, think of it as a great teacher and ask it what it has to teach you. Sounds crazy, but I have found many angels among the demons in my life. If nothing else if we are dwelling on learning from our suffering we are not using it to hurt others.

Good night buddy. I love you.

Caleb Storms